I don’t want to oversell the importance of each and every one of these items. But these are the most important items any parent ever in the history of the universe could ever have. Ever. In history. The universe. Ever. Most important. Universe.
- This formula hand mixer.
Never mind the fact that now I have more dishes to do, more things to carry around, and more batteries to change – but you’re telling me that SHAKING A BOTTLE is just too much?
- These wipes that are specifically designed for snot.
You know those wipes that parents carry around to wipe butts? Not. Good. Enough. For three times the cost and half the quantity, you can purchase special wipes that are scientifically formulated for boogers. You see, with the common diaper wipe, you have a simple mix of scent, soap, water, and wipe. With the booger wipe you still get the scent, the soap, the water, and the wipe – but, as an added bonus, there are microscopic ninjas that jump into your child’s nose and retrieve boogers. That’s why they are so expensive. Obviously.
- This booger sucker – that is powered by your mouth.
Yes, non-parents. This is a device that has been specifically designed to use a human mouth to suck sticky snot out of a baby’s nostril. Need I explain more?
- Sophie the damn giraffe. A teething toy that requires a payment plan.
For only twenty-three dollars you, too, can own this squeaky toy from hell! Get ‘em while they’re hot! Never mind that your dog will obviously eat half of it within twenty four hours and your child would be equally as happy with his hand – you should totally buy this high fashion teether.
- These color changing spoons.
Because guys, it’s like…super hard to know if something is hot. I mean, like, maybe it WAS hot. And then it just kinda isn’t. You know, like…it’s been microwaved. But maybe it’s not hot yet. Or maybe it’s too hot. And you can’t use your own tongue – because germs. And you can’t use your finger – because ew. So like – these color changing spoons are like SO important.
- This doll that has a runny nose.
In case it wasn’t clear, snot and boogers are a big part of parenthood. But, for the parent who hasn’t had their fill of snot, here’s the gift of your dreams!
- This super sexy sweatshirt for the parent that can’t be bothered to dress both themselves AND their kid.
Seriously. I know what you’re thinking. ‘Hannah, I get myself and baby dressed every day and put a sweatshirt on them when it’s cold and then I’m exhausted and so I freeze because I don’t have the energy to put my own sweatshirt on’. Well then this is the product for you!! You can stop the search.
- Baby Oil.
Dead serious guys – what is this for? Besides bedroom stuff.
So, whether you are a parent to be or simply attending another mind numbingly boring baby shower where someone is going to make you smell melted candy thats been strategically placed in a diaper to look like a turd, let this list be your guide.