Parents everywhere have been subjected to the torment of Frozen and it’s time to rise up and fight against this work of the underworld. No more Frozen sing-a-longs in the car. No more Elsa braid tutorials. No more expensive dress-up clothes that leave glitter everywhere. No more!
What’s the problem, you’re wondering? Here’s the problem –
The undertaking started innocently enough in my house. We didn’t see Frozen in theaters, but I had heard tales of its glory. So one day, on one of my many trips to Target, I saw that it was on sale – fifteen dollars for the ‘best Disney movie since Lion King’. So I bought it. That was the first in a series of tragic events.
Within a week I also owned the soundtrack.
A few days later I suddenly found myself buying a Princess Anna dress. I don’t even remember driving to the store. Suddenly I was just there. In the princess aisle. About to spend twenty five hard earned dollars.
I drove home in a cloud of confusion. What was happening to me? WHY was I doing this? I was already tired of the movie and yet here I was feeding into the insanity.
That’s when I decided to attempt to break free from the frozen chains that were binding me.
And so I watched – with freshly opened eyes. And here is what I found:
First of all – the obvious. Let it Go. I will murder the next person who encourages my daughter to start singing this song. Lets talk basics – the girl can’t sing yet. She’s two. Everything she sings is out of key and off tempo. Also, she only knows one part of that song. And her take on the phrase ‘frozen fractals’ is questionable to say the least. This song was obviously strategically designed by the devils helpers to destroy the souls of parents everywhere. Did you buy the Frozen soundtrack and then suddenly find yourself listening even after the kids were asleep? Don’t worry. You’re not alone. And there is help out there for you.
Next there is the very concerning plot line teaching kids that, while it’s not okay to fall in love and get married at first sight, it’s totally cool to jump into someone’s sled and spend the weekend with them at first sight.
And WHAT KIND OF HELLISH HUMAN BEINGS teach their kids that if they are different, they need to conceal, not feel? I’ll go ahead and admit it – I was happy when that boat went down. That’s called karma, folks. And it can happen to you, too. Just remember that the next time you refuse to let someone into your lane on the highway. KARMA! You could be sinking in the ocean before you know it.
Now, lets talk hygiene. It seems to be pretty clear that Christophe is dirty. It’s mentioned quite a few times. I would like my daughter to know right now, showering is a standard. Please, don’t fall in love with a guy who talks to rocks and doesn’t shower. That’s what straight jackets are for.
And Elsa – look honey. Be independent. Feel your feelings. Use your powers. But your dress was fine without the hoochie makeover. I mean, I get it. If I had legs like that, I’d probably show them off too, but you were supposed to be the anti-Disney princess and you just joined the herd.
But the worst part about Frozen? The mere fact that, despite just how much I hate it, I can’t seem to stop watching it. Has anyone slowed that crap down and played it backward to check for subliminal messaging?
If ever there were an opportunity for government mind control, this was it.
Every parent of a girl age 1-14 has seen it more than once. That’s a large population of the planet. Maybe we are all being brain washed into something. Maybe that’s why I buy so much wine? Has there been an economic effect on the wine industry since Frozens opening weekend? Someone check!
Until next time, guys, keep watchful eye over your home. You never know what’s lurking.