Riddle Her Kidnapping

“Let’s take the kids to the zoo” we said. “It’ll be fun” we said.

It started out alright.

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See?

Little did we know, mere moments later, we would be running through the zoo with one kid screaming bloody murder while the other one dripped a mystery substance from his back. It is almost questionable that the police weren’t waiting for us at the exit. It absolutely 100% looked like we were kidnapping a child. Though, as my mom pointed out, kidnappers probably would have re-thought their choice when my daughter started screaming for no found reason.

The faces of parents as we dashed by were the faces of soldiers who had fought familiar battles. We saw pity and empathy.

We pulled every trick from our arsenal. Cookies for bribery, calm and soothing voices, irrational anger…nothing worked. Our daughter had come unhinged. She was a wild baboon with flailing arms and unruly rage.

We checked for all the regular culprits. She wasn’t bleeding, she had snacks…everything should have been fine. But oh, it was absolutely not fine. The Little Lady was certifiable. So we ran. We did not see the elephants. Or the lions. The giraffes were left unvisited. Monkeys didn’t get a second glance. We spent an absurd amount of money on a mediocre lunch in a place that smelled like animal poop and then ran.

Because that’s what family fun is all about.

When we finally made it home, both kids were asleep in the back seat and I knew the moment we opened the car door, the silence would be ruined.

As I tried to convince my husband to just hang out in the car with me for a couple hours while they slept in the back seat, he looked at me with concern.

“Hannah, you are saying crazy things. We need to get out of this car”.

And so we did.

We started our day feeling like good parents. We ended it with an emergency trip to the store for beer.

Here here to family fun! Cheers!

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