I’m always amazed at how many embarrassing things can happen in a lifetime. A couple months back, I showed the mail man my left breast. I once drooled, mid conversation, and it went all the way to the floor. For the majority of my life, I believed Alaska to be an island until a totally life-altering conversation with my husband.
So I know what it is like to have no pride.
And this weekend was no exception.
This weekend I was a hysterical, swampy, belligerent mess.
I would like to give to you – exhibit a:
In which it is evident that ponds don’t always look like ponds.
Now – read this. I will paint you a word picture. And it will be hauntingly accurate.
This past weekend, I attended a women’s retreat with the ladies from my church. It was great. Beautiful location, wonderful people, fun, food…all the necessities.
But here’s the thing – my friends and I are all in our late twenties/early thirties – and going on about twelve years old.
So, late at night, as we are enjoying the patio and the starry night sky, we decide to pull pranks. Which, looking back on, I can say with certainty I should never do again.
Following a phone call to friends in another cabin where we claimed a prisoner had escaped in the area, we decided to sneak over and tamper with the doorknobs and windows of our friends’ cabin.
There were four of us now. Two women (I’m being nice – at this point we’re basically junior high boys) are at the front of the cabin messing with the doorknob. And two of us are at the side of the cabin knocking on windows.
Then – the tragic word that ended my glory… “run”!
We all scattered.
I run. Fast. And with glee. I laugh and tell myself how good I am for getting out of eyesight so swiftly.
But then – something strange.
I am running. But I feel no earth beneath my feet.
And I see nothing. It is one o’clock in the morning. Darker than dark. And I think I’ve stepped in a ditch. Only my hands feel strange.
Oh, that’s water.
Where is the ground?
Why am I not feeling ground?!
GUYS!!!!! I AM SWIMMING!
In the dark of the night, the pond that looked very little like a pond in daylight, looked nothing like a pond now. And I am in it. Swimming. It’s deep. And disgusting. And I’m swimming in it. I turn to find the edge of the pond and climb out. But this swampy, algae ridden, butt water pond has no real sides. It has only smooshy disgustingness. It is impossible to climb out. I am going to live in this pond.
Where are my friends? Well, two of them are out of sight. And the one who is close, is too busy laughing to help. I finally get her to help pull me out of the pond and the laughing starts. It’s loud uproarious laughter that can’t be stopped.
And then I hear yelling.
From my dear (rotten), sweet (jerk), loving (mean) friends who have no idea what has just happened.
They are yelling at us. To be quiet. Because we might get caught.
But we can’t stop laughing.
And then I round the corner. And now they see me. With moss hanging from my hair. Mud covering my feet, and my clothes soaked in sewage. And now we are all laughing.
I, Hannah, ran full speed into a disgusting pond. I carry a full size dispenser of hand sanitizer and a travel pack of Clorox wipes with me everywhere I go. I have a separate basket for clean laundry because I don’t like putting clean laundry where dirty laundry once was. I am an obsessive-compulsive neat freak. And I am covered in what can only be described as slime.
We laugh hard. And loud.
We wake people up from other cabins that come out to look at the swamp monster in all her glory.
And then I take a shower that is basically so hot that it burns off the top layer of my skin.
And – I forever go down in history as the girl who ran into a pond.
I hope you all heed this warning – sometimes ponds look like ground. And you shouldn’t prank or God will put you in a pond.